Narcissistic personality disorder (NPD)

A psych-major friend of mine felt the need to share with me her primary diagnosis for "my case" :
She felt that I show almost every symptom of Narcissistic personality disorder : she gave me a 8 /9 on the diagnostic criteria for NPD :

Diagnostic criteria for NPD :
At least five of the following are necessary for a diagnosis (as with many DSM diagnoses, they must form a pervasive pattern; for example, a person who shows these criteria only in one or two relationships or situations would not properly be diagnosed with NPD):

1. has a grandiose sense of self-importance
2. is preoccupied with fantasies of unlimited success, power, brilliance, beauty, or ideal love
3. believes that he or she is "special" and unique and can only be understood by other special people
4. requires excessive admiration
5. strong sense of entitlement
6. takes advantage of others to achieve his or her own ends
7. lacks empathy
8. is often envious or believes others are envious of him or her
9. arrogant behavior

more about NPD : here

And I couldn't help but laugh when she told me about it ; I've been reading some psych-related articles or in some cases books and I found the field fascinating to say the least. It's amazing how the whole science is revolving around finding what makes people different from a prototype and then deem that difference with a "disorder" . It feels like the whole thing was created and documented by boring middle aged women who decided to judge everybody , and fit them under a category !

I mean could that difference mean that the people are DIFFERENT plain and simple ! Doesn't attention Deficit Disorder mean that the person could be merely athletic and can't concentrate on "wordy stuff" ? And doesn't bereavement disorder mean that the person is actually SAD !? Doesn't Body Dismorphic Disorder mean that that person is "a blond" ? etc etc ....

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Wajdy hates you all. In fact, I got this writing gig because I do. A few things that I've learned in my travels in this crazy little thing called life :

One ... You'll probably not go down in history , but you will eventually go down on a woman who's not of your pure choice, but of what your combined character, looks and money can get. Because otherwise you'll choose the first cleavage showing, ass jiggling whore you'll meet . Your dick does most of your thinking , and I'm not sure that it shouldn't . But what happens is you start your actions with your dick and finish them with your brain ,after you get off, it's just unfair to your non-hormonal half to endure your pathetic horny double's predicaments.

As crummy and randy as some of you are , you'll change into this ego maniac once a stupid bitch comes into a room and I mean total dick brain replacement , the whole referee stopping the match the assistant raising the flag , your dick high-five-ing your brain while you brain is going out ,substitution. Oh and most probably she won't sleep with you, you self loathing dick-head, you'll just let her know that you want to.

Symptoms : Increased Voice dB , perspiration , arrested sense of hearing other males, jittery movements, fever and an erection . You can spot a patient from a mile away. Some advanced cases will show symptoms of paralyzed tongue muscles and drooling but these cases only occur in closed-rooms companies where a case of a big audience and hence instant bad-image is a rare possibility.

Cure: go rub yourself against a tree , ejaculate you horny little fuck... Maybe you'll come back to your senses , try our new "Get off and Decide" new method of thinking. We , here at "Get a grip" foundation , help people develop a plan of how to think without their small dimple of a dick clouding their judgments, we give "put off 'till you get off" classes where the students learn how to put off decision making until they get off.

Seriously, have enough respect for yourself to maintain your "true" character disregarding to whoever is in the room. It's affecting the whole gender , I mean really , the things that guys write to the girls in facebook is humiliating and hopeless : " I like to be simply an obedient slave servant driver for free for a girl or a group..." a guy wrote to one of my friends . You stupid little horny rat , how pathetic can you get . Is there an image left to maintain ! Do a simple average operation and our whole gender will fail big time.

Get a life , a hobby , a career , a girlfriend , a dog that you won't fuck or even a couch and a Playboy subscription , just get it out of your system before you meet other people , and maybe , just maybe , your brain will do a lot more thinking.

[/JN_Mag_Blog_Entry_No_001]

[Status] Not Edited Yet [/Status]
[Issue] 24 Sep 2007 [/Issue]

it's 5:00 AM

it's 4:30 AM
it's 5:00 AM
it's 5:05 AM
it's 5:06 AM
it's 5:07 AM

My whole day plays in front of me over and over and over , I've already done what I will do . In my head I control the time line , things are even more difficult when the time line is self controlled. I already solved the work problems that I needed to think about later today . I lived all the possible outputs , every possibility has been accounted for. Except for hormone serges , I'm ready and set.

it's 5:13 AM

If a human being's life was measured by his brain activity when reacting to events , then my real age would have been twice my biological counterpart. The events in my head are even more demanding , and they're as real as the most realistic of lucid dreams. I sometimes pre-live a very tough and tiresome day , and have it turn out to be as normal as they can get.

it's 5:15 AM

People are much more interesting in my head , I take their best and worst features and I oversize them. Their reactions are raw , surprising , and edgy. There are no middle grounds , it's a jungle in here. My brain's manifestations overshadow my real life to the point where it becomes dim.


it's 5:25 AM.....

A Wider Perspective

Take a camera (CAM1) and put it right over your head and you'll see only you , your problems seem massive and your ambitions seem crucial . Selfish is not the right word but it's the first that comes to mind. Outside this CAM everyone and everybody are only a projection on your judgment ruler , actions of masses don't even register. Outside that CAM everything feels irrelevant and strange. In that outside world people are grossly competitive for reasons which resemble your own but for some reason you can't seem to grasp theirs, in that outside world , women have the power to change the color of their hair, their eyes and their lips . People talk to each other through objects that transfer their words into the air. They feel that strange because you can catch only glimpses of them when they pass throw the distorted edges of your CAM's field of view. Your only purpose is to better yourself according to your own judgment.


CAM2 is over your close friends , your party , or even your country , call it the Communism Camera , or COM.CAM for short . COM.CAM will orient your actions in a way to achieve welfare for all those who are in the field of view , your actions need to help better the group and if that means bettering your self then you need to better yourself according to that group's standards. Your personal needs take the backseat and your individualism doesn't even matters.

Now take COM.CAM and throw it way up high (high-CAM), you can see the whole world now , EARTH , you can even see a small portion of the distorted out-of-focus moon. You can't see yourself , you see groups of people running around winning wars and settling near water sources , you see entire empires being built and destroyed , peoples actions don't seem to matter, in fact, they don't . Neither bettering yourself nor your group seems to make a difference in a wide enough perspective.

So I say stop trying to be perfect, fuck your standards , fuck everybody else's standards . Do what you want to do , stop being people's puppets or their clowns . Evolve , paint paintings , write novels , create something you can call your own , SURPRISE ME !

Rejection

It's a bit tricky when it comes to taking yourself as your own reference since you're constantly changing ; the only link between you and you previous self is your body cells, furthermore there is no physical link between you and your 7 years ago self, since all your cells would have changed , all what remains is the people you know that define who you are , oh yes and YOUR cumulative thoughts. It's even harder to make it who you are that makes the difference not who you know .

You have to know how to accept rejection and reject acceptance. Otherwise you'll step into somebody else's used shoes and live their already lived life. It's all about doing what you want , embrace rejection , it's a sign of making a difference , people will or won't like it but it's besides the point , people wouldn't want you to be better or even different .

People would like you to be just like them and will accept you , which can be either redundant or destructive , because you'll end up just like them , a dead nobody ... Take yourself as a reference and do what you want specially if you get rejected for it ...

House of Leaves

"Had The Blair Witch Project been a book instead of a film, and had it been written by, say, Nabokov at his most playful, revised by Stephen King at his most cerebral, and typeset by the futurist editors of Blast at their most avant-garde, the result might have been something like House of Leaves"

Belief

I finally reached an adequate conclusion of what belief is. But let me start by saying that belief is not as romantically perfect as we would like it to be nor is it permanent; it’s as changing as one’s habits and as stable as ones mood.

Belief is the link between a certain thought and ones actions, it’s the privilege that certain thoughts get over other thoughts by being sought after and practiced. In other words and very simply: A man actions are his believes, not his thoughts and especially not his words.

Yes of course we hate that definition, it’s too practical; this definition bares the once perfect idea from any fairy tale features, it’s shallow and unfulfilling, judgmental and plain. But it’s true, because every action is governed by a thought or a chain of thoughts and as much as we wouldn’t like it: the thoughts that control what we do are our beliefs because you can’t call them any less without killing some self respect.

Take an average person; ask him if he believes in God as his religion portrays him and in what he has to do to go to the portrayed heaven. Some will vigorously answer: “Yes”, yet he doesn’t do anything that enters him in his heaven, which is a major sign of unbelief. Believe me if you do believe in eternal fire, and humungous superior power, you wouldn’t waste your limited time on our earth of the alleged temporary nature, and not doing what you need to do to go to the alleged eternal heaven. “You can waste your time and still believe?” Then what do you call the thoughts where your day to day actions originate from? Temporary driving force? Idiotic command? Alien drive? …. “Belief is not as romantically perfect as we would like it to be nor is it permanent; it’s as changing as one’s habits and as stable as ones mood.” ….. Your actions originate from your beliefs, I would have said “your temporary beliefs” but there is NO other kind …

I’m just saying that you should respect yourself enough to value your thoughts of action and at least call them “your beliefs”.

Thought I still had 1% , but I don't

Simple story : we're playing football , a friend falls down hard on his head , he starts having weird contractions ,with white foam getting out of his mouth, I've seen this before at least 3 times but you cannot help but panic , I finally got my cell phone and called one of my doctor friends . The doctor starts telling me what to do and I'm trying to tell the guys who are holding him to do that , but this guy starts speaking over me telling people to "mention God" while laying the guy on his back ! Which is the worst thing you can do in this situation !! I then try to shout over him and tell him to put the guy on his side and open his mouth , and put something in it to prevent him from swallowing his tongue , which can be lethal ! But NOOOOOOOOOOOO he kept saying "mention God" , WELL FUCK YOU YOU HALLUCINATING BASTARD !! Put him the fuck on his side and open his mouth you disillusional idiot .

That's when I realized that i don't have a single cell that believes anymore ...

Retry

I have not failed. I've just found 10,000 ways that won't work.

Petrified by Human Sympathy

Dire events do occur in one’s life, and it would be stupid to assume that they will not happen. Furthermore, wishing a hardship-free life is even more imprudent. Humans are time-wise dim; they don’t see dealings in a big enough time frame. Yes, you can mourn your dead, grieve for your misfortunes and even regret your blunders, but really it’s all about probability; you will face adversities , it’s only a matter of what and when. And facing them is much easier than being strong, it only takes for one to stay alive, and everything else’s magnitude will eventually perish with time.

Believing all that gives you a sense of sturdiness, you can confront your issues with grace and harmony …. But that sense of strength will diminish once people start sympathizing with you; an important prerequisite for sympathy is weakness and vulnerability of the receiving end. Lonesome strength is well hated by people, it makes them feel insignificant. They can’t have that! They’d rather have you be susceptible than impervious.

The bigger the issue to sympathize with the troubled person about, the more vital the sympathizing person will feel. He helped! He solved your problem BY POINTING IT OUT AND TELLING YOU IT WAS NOT IMPORTANT TO YOU! AND THAT THESE THINGS HAPPEN! Lucky you, your problem is now “solved”, or at least rendered unimportant by the sympathizing human. And even though you feel like shit every time the subject resurfaces, Hey, at least THE HELPING PEOPLE FELT GOOD ABOUT THEMSELVES!

But what can they do? Ignore the big elephant sitting in the room and don’t discuss it? Nooooooo, they have to bring it up and blemish it with water and soup until it’s spit clean, and then crudely ask you, strike that, order you to forget about it!

If I may reach out in an advising gesture …….. LEAVE PEOPLE ALONE, SPECIALLY RECENTLY CHALLENGED INDIVIDUALS.

Psychorealism

"The glorious complexity of the human psyche depicted through the visual medium of art and animation"

The single tool that a "serious" animation film creator can have that the ordinary film makers don't. It's the portraying of human emotions through animated and drawn effects. It can be as simple as a drawing a bulb to represent an idea, to the decay of a person's body to represent his emotional distress.

Chris Landreth can be considered the real father of that movement, special in Ryan , where he intentionally explains to the audience the physical character's defects as there respective emotional issues. Which if I may say is brilliant.

Thinking about it opens up a whole lot of possibilities , no longer are we bound to portraying reality , we can go far past that to create our own view of the emotional universe in a physical environment.

Ignorance

Declarations of absolute righteousness and innocence commonly accompany violence. A self-reflexive belief in one's innocence is essential to the chemistry of the just war. Innocence is
similar to ignorance in that it must banish contradictory information to remain intact.

-Keller Easterling

An Easy Challenge

People usually complain about how unoriginal ,banal and under developed our country/ the Arabic world is. But if we looked at the situation from a single person's point of view ; isn't easier to shine in a dark place rather than it is in an illuminated environment !

The market is wide open here, tons and tons of ideas haven't been explored or touched. The existing ideas are old , worn out , ready to be changed. So stop complaining and do something that will shoot you up.

It's even a bit too easy; you don't have to create something technically / literally / creatively perfect , you just have to push the tight envelop just a little bit.

You don't have any ideas !? Here are some facts ... Until recently we didn't have an animated short movie , we don't have an animated feature film / series , we don't have a real life feature film , we don't have locally manufactured electronics of any kind , we don't have any best seller books in the middle east ,we don't have any games, we don't have any local software , we don't have any online shopping venues , etc etc .... like I said .... it's too easy ....

So do something about it , it's not that hard . Next generations will talk about us and say "they had it easy" , and we do !!!

agitate ]*

How stable would you like your life to be ? Isn't stability what you were and still looking for through your "solid" career and your 5 or 10 year plan ?

Don't you find it scary and disturbing that people thrive for stability in a short lived life !? I mean after the "Birth to BSC" period -which I'm willing to assume that it's a personality builder rather than a stability seeking staging period- you'll be lets say 23 years old , that's when your quest to find stability begins -or continues- . But then you'll have an average of 40 more years to live ... yes that's it ! 40 ! YOU'RE FREE FALLING WITHOUT A PARACHUTE AND YOU'RE FINDING THE MOST STABLE SITTING POSITION !!

agitate ]*

Every paid job absorb or degrade the mind , it's a natural result of defining a path for a 360 degrees radiating bulb , 50%-99.722% of it's energy is LOST.


But what else can a person do rather than "finding the most stable sitting position" ? I can't tell you that in my preachy method of writing ... But leonardo DaVinci did say "scream and hope people remember how you sounded like" .

Don't do what people expect you to do , and surely don't DO WHAT THEY'VE BEEN DOING LONG BEFORE U CAME ALONG !!! (again intentionally preachy) . Scream!!! Agitate !!!

I know people who wanted to do their own art gallery , try new careers, write books, unconventionally live .... Most of them are afraid to fail , or too stable to risk anything , WHICH IS REDUNDANT SINCE THEY'LL ALL DIE IN 50 YEARS !!!!!

Post Removed ...

Ok so I wouldn't like it either if you made fun of my imaginary Flying Spaghetti Monster.

Strongest Evil...

Evil Evil Evil Evil Evil .... is strong but predictable


Good Good Good Good Good EVIL ....is the smartest evil ever.... The most cunning villains appear as good people

The 5 hours schedule

It's 5:00 am again! 3.5 hours of sleep. Insomnia strikes yet again. There is no schedule that can ever fill this hole. It's not like I'm sleepy, on the contrary, I am awake and receptive, and I'm already looking for something exciting.

People come back from the dead at 7:30 , that's full 2.5 hours of free time if I had a normal job. But I have a more artistically oriented job, I usually make it at around 10:30, yes that's 5.5 hours free time. This is not your usual free time, I can't just call my friends and say :"wanna hang out !?" ;It's 5:00 am !!

Well as lame as this may sound I study my ass off in these 5 hours, the way I see it is that I have a 5 hour advantage on everybody else , and yes that's cheating. But I've grown tired of this and I already have the lead. Reading is a part of the 5 hour schedule too, but it feels cheap, I don't consider books as I do movies, they are not a "pass time" activity, at least the good ones aren't; you have to find time to read not the other way around.

Look for the ridiculous...

Look for the ridiculous in everything and you will find it. Start with the easy stuff , your job, but then its the "serious" that you'll have difficultly finding. Go from there to your life goal , then your future life, your current life , your relationships , the people you know ... ridiculous is too easy to find ...

Wisdom can make major issues seem diminutive, and therefore ridiculous. So if you can't find the ridiculous then you're not experienced enough yet. Or you're in denial ... you're convincing yourself that it's all serious ... well guess again

But it's not all bad ! Your life will take an amazingly positive turn , you'll get a better grip on things , pressure will be lifted off you ....

Professional !!??

If you have to do it seriously then it's probably the first time you do it!
And if you can't do it at all , then you have to look like you are trying!

If you need to show people that you're capable by acting professional then your work is not delivering that message for you!

If they think your attitude sucks and you're still working for them , then your work is pretty damn impressive!

Meetings have the very strong effect of making the person with all the money feel comfortable and all the others numb.

A meeting is a ritual in which people throw stones at each other while still smiling.

A team leader is someone who decided that he's too good to work , probably is fat, smokes, married or is trying to marry, because he needs challenges in life, so food ,cigarettes, kids and spouse and wife/husband hunt serve as a good enough purpose.

Life Goal,

Elimination:

It's not marrying someone that I love, nor loving someone whom I'll marry.
It's not collecting nor spending money.
It's not offering help , nor posing as hindrance.
It's not children.
It's not temporary.
It's not local.
It's not vague , nor comparable.
It's not all materialistic.
It is people related , it is work related.
Recognition. Freedom. A chance. Individual.

A man's life is measured by the size and duration of the mark he leaves upon his death.

Living by one's standards not by common sense ! taking risks ! IT'S ONE LIFE ! That's all !! ONE !

My life goal is for it to continue long after I die.

***

My short movie !

I've worked with my friends on creating the first Jordanian 3D short movie ....
http://frayed-ends.com

Highly accomplished people are more prone to failure than others when under stress

Talented people often choke under pressure because the distraction caused by stress consumes their working memory, research in Psychology has found.

Highly accomplished people tend to heavily rely on their abundant supply of working memory and are therefore disadvantaged when challenged to solve difficult problems, such as mathematical ones, under pressure, according to research by Sian Beilock, Assistant Professor in Psychology.

Her findings were presented Saturday, Feb. 17 .2007 at the annual meeting of the American Association for the Advancement of Science in San Francisco.

People with less adequate supplies of working memory learn other ways of problem solving to compensate for their deficiencies, and although these alternative problem-solving strategies are not highly accurate, they are not impacted additionally by working under pressure, the research found.

Beilock found that when put under pressure, the talented people with larger amounts of working memory began using short-cuts to solve problems, such as guessing and estimation, strategies similar to those used by individuals with less adequate working memories. As a result of taking those shortcuts, the accuracy of the talented people was undermined.

“In essence, feelings of pressure introduce an intrusion that eats up available working memory for talented people,” Beilock said.

Tomatos

People wish to be liked, not be endured with patient resignation. They get offended when they feel that you are tolerating them until you finish whatever is between the two parties, keeping in mind that tolerating is way more tiresome than dealing with a person that you like. They should feel flattered and important enough for me to not avoid dealing with them and actually making the effort of tolerating.

You can't blame anyone for not liking you! He can't help it ! But if your point is that everyone you deal you should have liked in the first place , then you'll end up with four people that you like and the irony of fate could make these people not like you nor like you.

Godly

You're basically killing each other to see who's got the better imaginary friend

Knowledgeable

I know what I'm talking about most of the time, but I can never know if this is one of those times.

Criticism is prejudice made plausible.

You do something and you show it to people, why do you show it to people ? to gain recognition or maybe appraisal. Do they tell you their "opinion" plainly ? there is no such thing ; there is no unfeathered pure wordy reflection of one's thoughts , you have to be smart enough to recognize the true reflection from the shards of thoughts that were thrown your way. "Only a naive takes words for what they are, truth is in the unspoken". That is if you're interested in the "truth" in the first place.

You do something and you show it to people, yes, you now are vulnerable , the personal link between you and your work exposes you. The part of you that was entrusted in that work is up for a debate. This part of you is totally nude, and you are not trying to hide it, because you can't afford to , you're showing your dick to a porn film director, asking him if it's long enough, or if its color is the right tone.

People will un-conscientiously bring up their own in-securities when given the porn director role by the un-expecting "un-der" achiever. A humbling good work will back-fire an ego reaction from the insecure un-acheieving porn directors. They manifest their inner hate and prejudice for themselves into a "critic" that is sure to demean the work to the level where they can still feel superior, and therefore un-contested for the work or the non-work they've been doing.

Don't ask a peer for his opinion , nor a non-deservingly "positioned" and ranked individual. Ask a secure person who have already done better than what you did , his critic will be un-prejudicially secure , his critic will not be masked by his own failure. Or ask a conveniently unrelated un-threatened person, who if opposed by your work will not feel insecure or underachieving .

Blue matt screen

Don't you ever feel that you're nearly detached from reality and that the only thing that connects you to it is a blue screen right behind you no matter where you go. This is the same screen that filmmakers use to make the illusion that the foreground is in the same place as the background. They do that by replacing the blue or green color by the background which can be a ship, a playground or a bunch of people that don't really exist with the actor in the same place , space , frame of mind or reality.

You think of yourself as an individual, and that you're actions are all foreground based. Then you change the background and your actions don't make sense anymore.

I was thinking about quiting my job , I have enough money to last me for the next 4 full years, I want to do something satisfying , something that I really want to do for a change , not what looks good against a colorful background. But then i tried putting these thoughts against 3 or 4 backgrounds . Well it didn't look as good as it was with the blue background, and that generated doubts. And I hate myself for that , I always try to pass myself as a person that doesn't care what people think. But that's a major contradiction , people who really don't care , don't try to pass themselves in anyway! But my pathetic approach is that I pass myself in such a way and then try to feed of people's reactions to that thought , hoping to become what I deceived them to believe in the first place.

Social CPR

Cardiopulmonary resuscitation (CPR) is an emergency procedure involving chest compressions that help keeping the person alive until an ambulance arrives.

Now that we have the technical term out of our way, we now can get to the interesting part ... Hospital staffs here in Jordan have something called "Social CPR". This is a very similar process to the normal CPR but it has some insignificant differences that are not even worth mentioning but I'll go on anyways and you'll have to humor me... Social CPR has to be performed in front of an expecting audience , and is performed in hopeless cases where the "patient" is 110% dead and nothing will ever help him.

It's designed to give the illusion of hope and trust to the patient's family, who will be expecting that the Doctor will do his "best" to help their relative. And since perception is reality ..... to seem to help is in some cases to help.

My doctor friend claims that in one incident a patient had severely damaged frontal left chest and abdomen, where his heart was squashed into a thin membrane due to a car accident..... And still "social" CPR was performed in front of his family ..... why not it's cheap and comforting , giving people what they need had never been that easy.

Will you feel offended ?

Will you fucking feel offended if I slit my throat while you utter your idiotic, asinine, absurd, fatuous words? Will you feel offended by the interruption? Will my way of expressing my boredom, and hateful amazement of how stupid a person can be, insult you? Will the blood running from my jittering dying body disgust you? Will you move back? Will the blood stains on the bottom of your shoe piss you off? well .........FUCK YOU !

Inteligent belief

A German weekly newspaper recently published a study that took place in Germany over the past three months, the experiment subjects were 350,000 randomly chosen people, each of which was undergone a 20 minutes test, the test has two parts : the first is a somewhat normal IQ test, and the second part is a "supernatural" belief-o-meter.

This second part was designed to know how much does the subject believe in supernatural issues : spirits , angels , telepathy , demons , God. The test yields a result from 0-100 , zero being the non-believer in any of the previous issues.

The newspaper then did a simple two dimensional frequency graph stating the re-occurance of people depending on their IQ and belief, and here are the results :

Every 500 people in the same frequency square range are marked by a black dots stroke.


The newspaper's "analysts" say that a Gaussian IQ distribution was combined with an inverse Poisson distribution for belief to yield a more than spectacular result; when every body suspected a non-correlative normal distribution, the result was anything but that ! The graph shows a major correlation which is close to inverse proportion. And an amazing statistic was that non of the (>139 IQ) category subjects believes in God ! And that everybody in the (<90 IQ) category believes in God.

But the people who believe in God make up 75% of the study. Which raises the common sense issue : is common sense just the most "common" sense? or should it be the most "logical" one?

In short: smarter people believe much less bullshit :)

Original Control

Nothing of me is original. I am the combined effort of everybody I’ve ever known. Every person I’ve met inputs his/her perspective and experience directly into my character, “experience”, and even style. Me being as silly as I am ignorant try to achieve originality through divergence, that being me doing the things opposite to what I should’ve done according to the inputs. And that is as original as a negative eight when the normal answer would have been EIGHT!

After some thought I discovered that I am putting the inverter in the wrong part of the control system which is my brain. I invert the output, because I can’t invert the input, and hence I try to achieve a different output from a single input which has to be highly correlated (i.e. unoriginal!)

But recently I discovered what my equation was missing , I was missing the other previous outputs which highly affect the output in question , it’s a “closed loop” whether we like it or not. So if I inverted some previous outputs that can stand for morals traditions or even personal needs and ambitions, the input will drive a vaguely uncorrelated output from a now unstable closed loop, which can be considered being original.

This is very tricky, since once you invert/unsystematicly change your old outputs, the inverted ones will now become your “normal” outputs after insuring a single loop resulting in a single spike of originality, before retaining your “normal” stable output. And even that is hard, I am talking about making the biggest mistake you can think of and waiting for your life to change, to see what you’ll never do and plan on doing it, going to discover the new America even if you and everybody else think you’re crazy (Christopher Columbus), and even if you didn’t know that there was an America, even one to be discovered. And what can be less original than actually finding one.

Don't do what you want. Do what you don't want. Do what you're trained not to want. Do the things that scare you the most.

Originality is dead they say, and it could be since there are only so many combinations of previous outputs that can ever be re-inputted into the system and yield a different result. And people's "spikes" are so close together and correlated that the resulting signal is "continuously" boring and unoriginal.

Did I say that I hated 3eid ?

Well in case I forgot :
I HATE 3EID !!!!!

I HATE 3EID !!!!!

I HATE 3EID !!!!!

Capsule

Can anybody really encapsulate what he has on his mind at a certain moment and present it to other people in a perfect manner ? Will he need to reconstruct the whole background on which that state of mind was built ? He'll have to not care what people might think about the parts that he doesn't want anybody to know, but for the sake of conveying his "frame" of mind , he'll have to strip of all guards and surrender to the fact that reaching out to the audience is his up most priority.

This level of truth and transparency is godlike in it's power and freedom, this isn't a simple job that any mortal can do. It's porn star freedom , the girl standing or performing naked in front of five camera , the guy with nuts jammed into his ass by a monkey ,while he puts on his room warmer face, and smiles to the camera, which takes a picture that millions of people will see and laugh at. They always said that if you can laugh at yourself then you've reached a powerful level of security and self esteem .But what if you didn't even find it amusing , you are so in sync with yourself that your every once embarrassing situation is not only normal enough that you can laugh at with your audience , it is so insignificant that you don't find the input that people acquired that information to be an actual event, and you deal with it ,or don't deal with it ,like a non-event.

Suicidal drama

I love that we can be put in the same category as Craig Clevenger. How ? Since we're doing a short movie about suicidal thoughts, the studios found the idea to be too aggressive destructive and belligerent and our sponsorship was too hard to come by.

The point that independent publishers in Craig's case and the small time studios in our case are making is that making such a movie is fine in the sense that working on it is artistically viable, but watching it is a sign of illness. And that isn't good for business.

"Yeah, I get it… shelf space is finite and profit margins are slim. It’s a tough business, business being the operative word." Craig notices.

Life Imitating Art

Well since this is our first short movie, it can shock to the point of knowledge and acquaintance. Or can it ?

Social Misfit ?

I recently discovered that I was called a "Social Misfit" on one of my friend's blogs ... and now I really feel the urge to retaliate by explaining where I didn't fit and leave the decision of whether the misfitting is necessarily a bad thing in this case. I first need to introduce my abdomen pain gauge : empty [----------] , full [***********]

Breakfast at Bakehouse :
Nine people having breakfast at the bakehouse .... a geeky looking dude is sitting in front of his girlfriend which happened to sit beside me, if you put the two over each other their combined height will be 1.65m. (I don't have a racial problem with little people). OK, the little dude explains how he changed his profession because of a Simpsons episode, and he now studies or finished studying communications , so from now on in this post we will call him the "communicator" or "COM" for short, this has nothing to do with Nokia or cum. [----------]

COM starts talking about his favorite breakfast (remember this dude has an accent as aristocrat as Marie Antoinette) , he says : "i go eat two Falafel sandwiches, then I top them with some omelettes and a KitKat" end f story , APPARENTLY HE DIDN'T KNOW THAT YOU HAVE TO SHARE SOMETHING INTERESTING I DON'T NEED TO HEAR WHAT IS UR FAVORITE KIND OF DICK !!! [**--------].

COM starts talking again !!! and I'm like : please don't for fuck sake !!! He explains how he and his precious wife, I mean girlfriend, communicate when they go to festivals (as if there were that many) because they're short (they opened the height subject 15 times, SO SECURE). They wave their hands in the air and call each others name (and of coarse they had the need to demonstrate by waving on the table)"COOOOOMMM" .... "COOOOOMMMMMAAAAAAA" [***-------]

COM starts talking again an idea of a show he has , which deeply enough is about food ! This time I chose to block the thing about his gay cooking show , until of coarse he mentioned that he will play violin after he finished cooking ... and I go "No body will ever want to see your 8th grade TALENT SHOW". And how about some interesting subject for a change [*****-----]

THE DIET PEPSI INCIDENT :
I make the mistake of ordering a diet Pepsi . And as dull as these people can be they found this to be strange and asked why did I order a diet Pepsi: "To soak my dick in it before I pee in your glass and tell u this is ice tea gone warm !!!!" . I mean why else would I order one , it's not like I want to DRINK A DIET PEPSI !!!!!!!! And after I finished they had the nerve of asking me "how was it?" ...They noticed that I finished just after I finished it , which means they were watching me drink the diet Pepsi all the time !!!!! CREEPY !!!!! [*******---]

THE TUMMY INCIDENT :
COMMA stands up to apparently check her self up , although u wouldn't notice that she ever stood up..... As clumsy as she is her top was showing a little of her tummy which I chose to ignore because I was hungry and I needed to finish my "Breakfast Supreme" without actually vomiting... But NOOOOOOOOO ..... they can't let this pass ........ COM tells COMMA :"cover yourself woman" remember this guy is Marie Antoinette.... She being the man in the relationship tells him , that he can fuck himself , and she shows more of her tummy , at which point COM caves in his chair and respects her personality... [**********]****

At this point I really had an acute abdominal pain ... I thought I will not be able to hold anything down .... My reptilian brain told me to kick COM's ass and vomit on COMMA's head which by the way was going to happen by accident. But my mammalian brain intercepted the signal and we chose to walk out without getting our hands dirty.

And so I couldn't fit in the "society" so I'm a "Social Misfit" ... LOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOLLLLLLLL

"GOOD" People

I changed Jobs , I'm working for a new company , which at the first glance looks great , people are working on a Video game for XBOX 360 , I'm working my ass off even if I still don't know if I believe in the thing or not (all the usual stuff). But then you notice that something is missing ! one and half months in the company and I've never witnessed a single fight! never heard one gossip and never seen a flirt fly across a room !

I wondered for a while why was that . And after some inspection of the intra-work relations I found out the reason ; These people are "good" , "Good" as in fairy tale "Good" .Snow white and the seven little people "good". They love each other, and actually have the good of the company at heart. AND I'M LIKE ...... HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA !!!!!!!! They ask each other whether they want something from downstairs before going down .... and they call each other if somebody is late for more than an hour . THIS IS SICK !!!!!!

I didn't know that such people existed !!! And what is the probability of them being at the same fucking place !!!

Even their jokes are innocent !! inno no dark sarcasm nor sexual reference .... and mine just fly just over their heads ........WHOOOOOOOOSH ....The "Brady Bunch" comes to mind.

I want evil people , I want gossip , I WANT dark Humor !!!!!!!!! THIS IS PATHETIC !!!!!!!

I think I have to take it upon myself to change these people, that can be easy since they idolize me ; which is redundant since I'm the only one that have SEEN the WORLD !!!!!!

Nostalgia

Could anything be more nostalgic than "ACE OF BASE" !
http://youtube.com/watch?v=-JLcrtdtBek

Trix and Sa7lab

After always doing the whole social endeavors with the intricate and convoluted social class, one really needs a break. I know I need one right after every day at work , after every time I go out with my co-workers,my "friends" or my friends' friends. It's not that I have anything against these people, but I hate that they are trying to appeal to each other's tastes, with their cloths and the fake "prime store" culture talk. What I'm trying to say is that these people are never their true selves around each other , and they call each other "friends", they are the best they can be and that by far isn't what a person is. I want to see their worst or even average selves for a change , their close to reality image , no competition or parade.

Here's where "Trix & Sa7lab" comes into play. "Makha 3amman" is a coffee house that almost every jobless or unhappily married guy in Amman goes to regularly, groups of 4's come to play cards there. I can't go on sounding like a tourist. Anyways when we need to turn it off me and my friends go there and we have the funnest time of our lives. I mean we just get high on each others' jokes which normally wouldn't be that funny. But the atmosphere is somewhat catalyzing the miserable sarcasm.

There isn't any tension there, people come wearing there comfortable cloths, their biggest concern becomes whether the seven of hearts was with them at the start of the game. Nobody knows more than 3 names from the 150 faces in that place or maybe four if you count the popular waiter's name.

Any how , we go there, order sa7lab , and we feel real for about one and a half hour every two weeks. Then we go back to our "normal" lives.

It Hit Me.....

Finished rendering the last scene in "F.E" ... Then it hit me ... This is too satisfying to stop and too hard to continue ... I just signed in for a life of either a feeling of emptiness after not being able to achieve better things than I've already achieved , or of hardihood since continuing doing this kind of work is consuming and arduous.

Fueling "F.E" was the need to prove to myself that we can do this , I had to see something get out from the output end for a change , and it did, we did what we thought was much harder in the sense that we never did it and much easier in the sense of the small but lasting problems that faced the project.

Do I need to prove something to myself or to others so I can actually go all the way through ... or does it become easier ......
What I plan to do is make it as natural as it can be that this becomes a part of my life ...... I need this to be as normal as waking up ...... I can't go back to usual tasks and taking orders ........... This may sound big-headed but it's not ..... I need this to continue or I will loose interest in my life , because other than that or BECAUSE of that everything else became boring ....

Quotes

..

I am not sincere, even when I say I am not.

It takes a genius to get paid for what you'll be happy to do for free.

Genius might be described as a supreme capacity for getting its possessors into trouble of all kinds.

If a thing isn't worth saying, you sing it.

I don't know half of you half as well as I should like; and I like less than half of you half as well as you deserve.

..

Lobotomy: Link

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Lobotomy

"Chronic"

It’s been a while since I posted anything in my Blog. (Hurray he’s back hurray) or not. Although a lot happened in the past two months, no, no really: A LOT. But I will not talk about these two months, at least for now. What I wanted to post is somehow a confession, “The Confession of Sickness” I call it. And it goes something like this: or actually exactly like this since it will go exactly the way it will go. I’m sick!! Fully and utterly sick. (Why do u say that Wajdy , you are the best person in the whole world ?) , in case u haven’t figured it out by now “()” words in brackets are your side of the conversation, and “YOU” are a hot chick that looks exactly like Keira Knightley.

Anyways to explain more I need to tell “YOU” a story, (uncomfortable) ,on Thursday night 16 November 2006, I had another huge insomnia strike and couldn’t even do my usual 3 and a half hours of sleep, so I decided to continue work on something that me and some guys from my old work are working on. My computer was already rendering but I decided to “Set Affinity” the rendering to CPU2 and I worked on some compositing on CPU1 (too much details) SHUT UP. I pulled an all night-er , this being the 4th time this month alone makes it unworthy of writing about, what’s worthy is that the next morning I continued work and remembered that I had some freelance to deliver on that day that I forgot about ! I scanned my PC for viruses due to an S.Ammous tip, and started to work on that! The delivery was after el-salah (?) I know !!! I went to the receiving company after putting the computer to render some new footage, gave them the work, talked a bit as usual and then I collapsed (Ha?) fainted like a drunk person on speed. (Tragic) …..Awkward is the word u’r looking for…… They don’t even know me and here I am laying down on their Parke floor drooling like a retard (Bad image) fuck u !

They took me to the hospital , after trying to wake me up several times which only resulted in few seconds of wake up time that helped them help me down the stairs. Anyways here was I, laying in the hospital with an IV drip attached to my arm, The doctor came to me and he said that I was suffering from “chronic fatigue syndrome” which is better known as “adrenal exhaustion”. And what were my immediate concerns at that exact moment ??? (mmm, your health) wow u r so predictable , I knew u were going to say that !! Seriously though , I immediately thought about the footage currently rendering and if the rendering has finished !!!! I’M TELLING U !!!!!!!!!!! SICK !!!!!! and here I am 4 days later doing the exact same thing , I guess this time my XANAX is prescribed !!!!!!!

Introverted ?

Don’t you sometimes catch yourself ditching what others consider a fun group activity to do a normal solitary thing such as reading a book?

When do we deem a person introverted? Where is that line drawn?

Well, when I make plans with my friends, I always build myself up to going out, I give myself reasons to go and I rarely get disappointed when a plan gets canceled. Don’t get me wrong, I do enjoy these get togethers, and do like talking to people and about people , but it’s the pre-do weighing of the fun factor between the event and a good book or a good movie that always stops me in my tracks.

May be I’m just lazy… maybe I just find going out too tiresome to enjoy. But on the other hand I never say no to a soccer game, even if it was the fourth time in a week. I look forward to tomorrow’s game just after I finish today’s game. For my judgment, that rules out the lazy decision, or does it? Maybe laziness is how my subconscious expresses its disapproval of what I’m doing.

Maybe my friends are not that fun… maybe I should find new and more fun friends. Again that seems too far fetched, since as I said I do enjoy their company, and they usually have many friends other than myself, which makes them at least “society standard” fun people. Note: I do enjoy slaughtering my friends’ friends especially when I don’t like them.

I never make the arrangements or decide the place. Because if it was for me, no weights will be put on the opposite saucer of the staying home saucer hence the staying home option will always win.

Intoxication -> veisalgia (normal)

Intoxication (Insomniac) -> (acute) lethargy -> veisalgia

Throw and Catch (Posted While Intoxicated) (PWI)

I’m not at all responsible for anything written in this post…

You know how you always feel that the future never comes. You always can stay one step behind the time to judge and evaluate yourself. You always give yourself time until later, which you can take comfortably since this time is not today, and you get a yet more soothing feeling for acknowledging the fact that you will have to do "the important thing" later.

This is how most of my life can go to waste, if I get the feeling that: “I have to do something NOW!”. Well, I start doing it; I even discuss it, which gives me peace, enough peace to lose the need to prove something to myself. And by then what I started ends but not at the end.

But I found a good method to help one control ones life and its projections on his current state of mind. Oddly enough, it comes from programming! It’s called the “throw and catch” theory. Here is how it works: when you feel the need to do something with your life , PRESERVE IT, write it or reference it or even make extra effort to remember it. You don’t have to remember it all the time; you just have to remember that you tried to remember it; that’s good enough to catch after a while, this is called a “throw”.

Three months later (an example period of time), remember to remember what you have thrown in such a state of mind. You “catch” it and witness how you felt and thought exactly three months ago, you’ll be amazed how volatile your brain is. What you thought three months ago doesn’t seem important now. But catching it gives it a higher priority than it normally would have.

YOU WILL SEE THAT YOUR MORE apathetic, bum, careless, comatose, dallying, dilatory, drowsy, dull, flagging, heavy-footed, idle, inattentive, indifferent, indolent, inert, lackadaisical, laggard, lagging, languid, languorous, lethargic, lifeless, loafing, neglectful, passive, procrastinating, remiss, sack artist, shiftless, slack, sleepy, slothful, slow, slow-moving, snoozy, somnolent, supine, tardy, tired, torpid, trifling, unconcerned, unenergetic, unindustrious, unpersevering, unready, wear THAN YOU HAVE EVER THOUGHT YOU WERE. Time is not of the essence, TIME IS LESS IMPORTANT TO YOU THAN SHIT. Throw and Catch makes you see that, then you’ll hate yourself more, and maybe get off your lazy ass and do something with your life, or just plain kill yourself.

“Red” Windmill

“MOULIN ROUGE IS A GAY MOVIE NO MATTER HOW YOU LOOK AT IT”, EVEN IF IT WAS THE ORGINAL 70’S VERSION, STRIKE THAT, ESPECIALLY IF IT WAS THE ORIGINAL 70’S VERSION.

Football game Recap

Wajdy scored an amazing overhead double kick goal. A.R. was dribbling with the ball in midfield, he saw Wajdy running from the left hand corner of the goal, he lobbed the ball to Wajdy's direction but the ball got deflected by a naughty defender, the ball was going to fall behind Wajdy instead of in front of him. Wajdy turned his back and lifted his left leg in one swift move , he jumped in the air and hit the ball (which was by now over his head) with an enormous right kick that went in the net after passing the helpless and amazed goalkeeper. Really 10/10 . And the mark does not have anything to do with the fact that Wajdy is writing this post, not even a bit.

In other news Wajdy praised himself for an AMAZING GOAL !

I now realize what this blog is ..... it's like Denny Crane's therapist, I want to hear my own words !
But I do care about you , my readers , bla bla bla ............

You are not your Blog !

I've written a couple of "posts" (entries) , and then didn't post them because I thought they were not good or complete enough or that they didn't show the true Saksookeh person that I am. But then it hit me : "It is a fucking blog" . So here is my latest entry :

Bla Bla Bla Bla Bla Bla Bla Bla Bla Bla Bla Bla Bla Bla Bla Bla Bla Bla Bla Bla Bla Bla Bla
Bla Bla Bla Bla Bla Bla Bla Bla Bla Bla Bla Bla Bla Bla Bla Bla Bla Bla Bla Bla Bla Bla Bla
Bla Bla Bla Bla Bla Bla Bla Bla Bla Bla Bla Bla Bla Bla Bla Bla Bla Bla Bla Bla Bla Bla Bla
Bla Bla Bla Bla Bla Bla Bla Bla Bla Bla Bla Bla Bla Bla Bla Bla Bla Bla Bla Bla Bla Bla Bla
Bla Bla Bla Bla Bla Bla (comma) Bla Bla Bla Bla Bla Bla Bla Bla Bla Bla Bla Bla Bla Bla Bla
Bla Bla Bla Bla Bla (full stop) Bla Bla Bla Bla Bla Bla Bla Bla Bla Bla Bla Bla Bla Bla Bla
Bla Bla Bla Bla Bla Bla Bla Bla Bla Bla Bla Bla Bla Bla Bla Bla Bla Bla Bla
Bla Bla Bla Bla Bla Bla Bla Bla Bla Bla Bla Bla Bla Bla Bla Bla Bla Bla Bla Bla Bla (!)
Bla Bla Bla Bla Bla Bla Bla Bla Bla Bla Bla Bla Bla Bla Bla Bla Bla Bla Bla Bla Bla Bla
Bla Bla Bla Bla (?) Bla Bla Bla Bla Bla Bla Bla Bla Bla Bla Bla Bla Bla Bla Bla Bla Bla Bla
Bla Bla Bla Bla Bla Bla (I'm a GOD) Bla Bla Bla Bla Bla Bla Bla Bla Bla Bla Bla Bla Bla Bla Bla
Bla Bla Bla Bla Bla Bla Bla Bla Bla Bla Bla Bla Bla Bla Bla Bla Bla Bla Bla Bla Bla
Bla Bla Bla Bla Bla Bla Bla Bla Bla Bla Bla Bla Bla Bla Bla Bla Bla Bla

The Return of Wood Ears (The Alice Raping)

Previously on “Alice in Wonder Land”: Our heroes saved the city of Rubicanoss from the evil “Queen of the ears” in what they thought was the concluding fight.

In a place beyond knowledge, beside a volcano of massive vigor, the dark soft coating of dirt moves over the layers of hard solid earth. The layer gets fractured by a meager but confident movement, and a decomposed arm appears from underneath, the arm that the habitants of Rubicanoss got to know too well from the shushing pose of Wood Ears.

Mean while in a “noisy” and raucously scenic land, our heroes, now greater in number, and stronger in powers , gather around in a cube looking building with no roof, a building that resembles all the buildings in Rubicanoss (because similarity induces creativity and ingenuity) . They judge every other habitant in an attempt to apply the Economy Salvation Plan introduced by this Blog.(Oh yeah they have internet).

A proper acquaintance with our heroes is now essential since each hero has his/her role in the unveiling of the crucial events. First our Saksookeh Prince (SP): his main power is that his vision is undistracted by the diversion of COLORS (he only sees monocolor), this can be of great help against the power of Artanamo Directanlo; a well known power of Wooden Ears. Then there is the Pink Jacket Knight (PJK), he has the power of projectile hand signs, and the hovering ability using inner fuels, these powers will prove to be more than useful when our heroes encounter the queen’s minions. Our third hero is Forgetano (F), he can forget his last defeat after two to three ……seconds and be morally ready for the next fight. Our next hero has an ability that can really win the clincher battle in the long lasting war. When this hero bite into her pray she can remove flesh, specially when water resources of the queen are in question, she is “Wobly Curlingston” (WB). The author here feels that he has gone INTO THE ZINI5 SIDE AND WILL QUIT WHILE AHEAD OR AT LEAST TIED.

Note to author: Let anybody else continue that story !!

EMPTY

Here’s the thing : I’m emotionally unavailable, emotionally dead, sentimentally detached, godless, atheist ,immoral , dishonorable , unethical, I have no principles what so ever, I can be evil if it is more fun than being unbiased, my account for people feelings is measured on “my” fun scale in the next three seconds, and I am selfish . I’m a bad friend and a worse boyfriend, I have no regard for people feelings because I think they are reflections of the inner me hence I think that they don’t have any. People die and I really don’t care, people will die or wished to die by a hating acquaintance and I’m all excited. I can know people for a long time and still don’t care about anything related to them.

I’ve got some imperfections, collect them all and throw them in my face.

Economy Salvation (General Human Standardized Test)

The main problem facing the progress of Jordanian economy is the excessive existence of …well … people. Any first year economy major when asked how a third world country’s economy can be enhanced will say: “if there were less people ….”. So, totally basing my argument on this fact -not on my evil nature :)- I can help a growing country become a major one in a decade.

Ok, here’s how. We make a general test that can grade people according to some very important criteria. That’s why we came up with the (General Human Standardized Test) or (GHST). It has four main criteria: IQ, looks, fitness, character. Every category has a maximum of 10 making a total maximum of 40 (in the basic version). After applying this test on all people, we make a curve and you take the lower 50% and put them in a huge place. We convince those people that we are atheists (not that hard!) and that we will kill them in the name of Lucifer. Knowing that they will die anyway, most people will fight; having a choice is what makes people not fight. So you will have these 50% fighting for their “religion” while being confined in a big closed space that will soon be exploded. They will go to heaven , 50% in heaven is a very good start don’t you think ?(IN YOUR FACE god).(K.N. suggested that everyone will have a different death method depending on his grade, which is an interesting idea, but that makes us put too much effort into killing the redundant 50%).

EXTENDED GHST:

The form:

You think I put too much effort into it….. Well ….. I am weird … and free.

An even crazier idea

Watching "saba7ak sa3id" marathon on JTV on a thursday night.

Primitively Deficient

Have you ever felt like killing someone, not kill as in beat him with a bat and leave him paralyzed, kill as in reach in between his rib cage bones and swirl through the flesh until you reach the pathetic pumping organ of his, you grab it and hold ever so tightly, harassing gradually harder and harder while his hands get glued to your arm in a feeble attempt to stop the inevitable. You then release the defective appendage just before it expires, but you keep your hand well inside the rib cage so that you will not miss on your second try. His hopeless soul gathers faith and his lungs inhale dreams filled air. His grip loosens and his gaze reflects a fearing and respecting core, you now have the entity that you thought was the only thing you wanted in the first place. But then you realize that you are close to the fountain of your biggest yearning, a yearning that you didn’t know you had a second ago.

You stop and think; you can do that now, you have crossed “the” boundary, you are free, every thought is crystal clear, and every thought is linked to other thoughts in a perfect manner yielding an ideal chain that you never had. The things that always had stopped you now seem diminutive; they can’t control the once tame beast. You know you always had that desire, but you were standing on the other side of the fence not knowing that crossing it was beyond worth. The fence of courtesies and laws looks much smaller from the higher side.

You can’t help but think about the old ages, when people “hand killed” each other everyday, the thrill must have been passed from them to us. The thrill that we purposely ignore in attempt to co-exist civilly. And it does work, but you feel imperfect, deficient, even unworthy of your desires. Your primal needs go unsatisfied.

You grab the heart again, this time without even a notion of letting go. This time the job should be done, a craving must be satisfied, a life must be ended. The rush of having control goes right to your head, making you grab tighter than ever, his hands reach out in attempt to copy the move that saved his life the first time, but this time his hands never reach you arm. They pose in a jittery manner for a second then they give up, he gave up, even he knew that you were not going to let go of your prize, he saw the resolve in your eyes, the kind of resolve that breaks a will and vanishes a spirit.

You look back up at the person, realizing that you only wished to do what you already did. You force your cheek muscles into a smiling pose, but the result is not first-rate. He walks past you, you lower your head but you have a smile on, a different and better one this time, you realize that you know what you miss and that gives your spirit peace. This peace that you know won’t last but can be rekindled by your odium every once in a while.

Crazy Idea

Watching a re-run of "saba7ak sa3id" on JTV.

INSOMNIA

I’d like to correct one idea that “fight club” marketed in a beautiful packaging and made the whole concept seem appealing:

I’ve been insomniac for 6 years now, mine is a mild insomnia (the 3:30 insomnia), and I find insomnia not as elegant as fight club sells it to say the least. For a start : Insomnia does NOT make you feel sleepy all the time, everything is NOT a copy of copy, the idea is that insomnia makes you as far from being sleepy as you can get. Everything gets over-experienced and therefore over analyzed as if you started and finished a video game and you start all over again, and again and again. Every thing gains more differentiating features making it fall in its own category, away from its “copies”. That does apply on the other things that you do in day time, because you have time to over-think the events and therefore capture an excess bundle of inputs that normally you wouldn’t have, and you realize later that you shouldn’t have either.

Sometimes I wonder whether you over-think because you have insomnia or you have insomnia because you over-think and worry too much. But then again I wake up at nights when I’ve been having a long vacation and having nothing to worry about.

Why then is it an unworthy experience? First I never seem to develop another cool character that lives at night, or maybe we should ask my friends, anyways, that falls under schizophrenia. You are not sleepy but you are dead tired, you are awake not half awake and you know that you are not sleepy!

Herbal potions, alcohol, chloral hydrate, paraldehyde, urethane, sulfonal and laudanum. Are all possible treatments, they make you sleep , but their problem is that you wake up more tired than if you were mine working and weight lifting while running all night. I don’t know about you but I well prefer the actually doing stuff option.

Alice in Wonder Land

Here’s a story a about a handsome young man , (ok maybe not that handsome) oh fuck it , here’s a story about a guy with a long goatee (saksookeh) , this prince (ya I know) lived in a peaceful village filled with furniture stores , this village whose habitants called it Khildahna while the outside world called it Khaldahla (THE FURNITURE LAND) was this prince’s kingdom (or princedom).

Our friend prince had the gift of creation, he could create little creatures (in T-Pose) and then make them move the way he wanted them to move, so to do the thing he loved and to get away from his evil king father, he moved across the non-returning river to the other side (NOT the gay side you idiots) , to the creative city of Rubicannoss were all the creative princes and princesses gathered together to create small creatures and create their own fake IK/FK kingdom.

The prince started to blend in the kingdom were his famish for control was appeased by the creation of little people, and he convinced himself that they were his disciples, he worked with other gods (yeah by now they all were gods) to create the wonderful world of (Benful and Izzyless) .

One day an evil queen (or goddess if you were following the well knitted plot) joined the kingdom of Rubicanoss , this goddess couldn’t stand loud noises, because her ears were made of wood (yes wood). She buried (got it?) the once happily loud kingdom in brumes of silence. You may ask how ? (my conscientious readers) , well ,she told on the prince (NO) yes she did (NO, ….,NO EVIL WAY OF DOING THAT). And from then after the kingdom habitants were BORED to death because all the gossip stopped and the taking was confined to the eating chambers which were heated with a big furnace created by the evil queen to keep them from going there.

Our prince moved to the woods in attempt to stop the evil goddess’s doings. He gathered around him some of the very rare bright people in the kingdom, and started a movement to stop the evil queen. Their main weapon was their sense of humor and sarcasm. They had the plan of making the company (ehm… the kingdom) laugh at same time and therefore turn the evil queen’s ears into dust.

They stood up all together and told a really good joke that made every body laugh, including the ones who didn’t get it , yes , they were that powerful. The evil queen’s ears burst into flames and she started shouting. She died. But when CSI came , they realized that the queen didn’t die from the fire , she died from her own loud shouting which her ears could not bear and her brain exploded.

All the habitants of the kingdom returned to their boring everyday routine .

The end.

more people i hate

people who hit the "up" and "down" button when calling an elevator. is it really that hard to press up when you really want to go up, and down if you want to go down? pressing both will not save you time or make your life easier: if you're going up and pressed down, you will go down with the lift as well! so instead of waiting outside you will ride down, stop at all the stops along the way, then ride all the way back up. smart, right?

people who smoke inside an elevator. is it really that hard to stop that most disgusting habit for 2 minutes, especially that i don't want to inhale your fucking fumes?

people who cut in queues. i personally believe those are the lowliest of low idiots.

Hate, or.... well...... hate !

I started this blog because a friend suggested that I need an outlet : Here it goes : I really hate people , I do , and I "can" generalize because IT'S MY BLOG and because the percentage of people I hate is overwhelming.

I should start with "Starbucks Cruisers", and that doesn't mean exactly that ; I don't mean the people who visit Starbucks cafe , well I do mean them too but the concept is much more general . I mean the people living in Jordan and think they are living elsewhere , I feel an example will best explain what I need to convey : a Jordanian (born adn raized) "friend" of mine was explaining to us how she was really thrilled about going downtown JORDAN and eating Mansaf (calling it cool) , well sure you'd find this exciting , IF U WERE A FRENCH GUY LIVING IN BEVERLY HILLS FOR 4 YEARS AND THEN GOT TIRED OF LIVING SO CONFORTABLLY. I know foreigners who find this to be normal after living here for a WEEK. Why call them "Starbucks Cruisers" ? because these American Wanna Be's (AWBs) seem to have taken Starbucks as their headquarter ,why not ? american overpriced coffee , the american theme is all arround, and most of them seems to have every thing in common : " them BEING FROM THE GULF !!!!!!". I would love to see one of them holding a book , an american book, so that it fits the theme, instead of their "study on my laptop while looking arround" look.

Richard Nixon said :"Always remember others may hate you but those who hate you don't win unless you hate them. And then you destroy yourself." Well ..... everybody else won, I LOST BIGTIME.

I hate "Tails", I don't mean the "Sonic" character . Tails are people who follow other people or causes while having a groupy status of non-understanding anything and having the soul intention of winning or getting crumbs of what ever the "head" has won. I can think of many kind of tails but i'll have to minimize that number because the goal of this post is to hate not to give facts .

1. Social Tails : self explanatory , the ones that laugh at their "head" freind's jokes and hang arround him/her as extras in his play. Give me a break and get a life . Social tails are also the ones who try to hang out arround a hot girl, -if they were guys-, to have approval from her and therefore improving their social status from LOSER TO DICK.

2. Work Tails: you've seen them .... the guys that keep kissing their bosses ass until they're thrown a bone .

I hate girls with the "I'm so vulnerable and edgy , I'll cry when you say any obscene word or even imply any" attitude , well, f*** you, you sex craving ,pink flower loving, PMS sl**t. They can take it said and signed from their favourite movie stars ... but they don't take starred (***) in an email ! Lets face it some ideas are much better converyed obscened !

Why don't people start being themselves , so you'll get some judgements from other people , BIG DEAL , you are who u r .......

I HATE SMALLVILLE. OPERAH ,BOLD AND BEAUTIFUL , DR PHILL , RONALDO , MICHEAL JACKSON , THE ITALIAN SOCCER TEAM , MY JOB , Thomas E. Ricks ,Ron Clark , and American stupid CINEMA !!!!